Saturday, May 21, 2011

Marriage, Insomnia, & Psychological Warfare

So I'm married to this guy. As married people often do, we sleep in the same bed. See? Here we are.
Now, I'm an insomniac. Sleep and I are not very close acquaintances. Eddie, however, has no trouble sleeping.
I'm telling you, the man sleeps like the dead.
It annoys the bejeezus out of me. I mean, it's just not fair. We're married. We're supposed to share everything, and I firmly believe we should share the lack of sleep, too. Especially when he throws it in my face by doing horrible things like getting up at crap o' clock...
...and bouncing out of bed like he doesn't know the meaning of the word "tired".
This annoys me. Greatly.
Since I can't defeat insomnia, I have other ways of leveling the playing field. Specifically, by using psychological warfare to screw with his sleep cycle so he can suffer like I do.

My husband also happens to be absurdly ticklish. Over the last nine years, I've conditioned him to fear the approach of my hand...
I'm a cruel, cruel wife, it's true.

With that conditioning, I can begin my evil plan.

I let him juuuuuuust start drifting off to sleep.
Then I throw a little whisper out there, just to mess with him.
But this is a slow, steady process. The mind is worried, but the body is strong, and he drifts off once again.
And I move in for the kill...
And before long...
Repeat until he's afraid to close his eyes.

And I, victorious, go to sleep.

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